They say necessity is the mother of invention. Well, I submit to you that severe dumb-assery (another new word!) and pain are the red headed step-children of invention. Even so, step-children - especially the red headed variety - are sometimes prone to strokes of genius.
Here it is:
When you are:
a) a complete and total dumb-ass (as I am one)
and
b) you get yourself utterly lobsterized (see previous post)
and
c) you can't raise your arms to reach the burn on your back because of the burn on your shoulders
and
d) the mere thought of someone rubbing lotion - no matter how gently and lightly - on your burn makes you want to cry,
well, then you figure out how to make...
a lotion vest.
It's very simple, really, and disposable: The sun burn alleviating lotion of your choice slathered on a double layer of paper towel multiplied by however many you need. For me it was one for my back and one for each shoulder which made it look like a weird white papery vest, hence: lotion vest.
I'm a dumb-ass. But I did finally get some relief.
pic
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Lobsterized - a new word
I went to the beach on Sunday. My favorite beach is Alameda Beach. It's quiet, it's small, there's always a breeze, never too many people, and it's only 15 minutes away.
I went there because I wanted some quiet time. I wanted to read my book, go for a long walk, relax.
I did all of those things and it was lovely. I was even joined toward the end of my stay there by my dear friend Naseem and I have to say thank you to Naseem. She is the one who made me leave the beach that day to go grocery shopping. Something we both needed to do.
Here's why it was a good thing I left. Once I got home, had put all my groceries away, etc. I passed by a mirror...
SO much redness!
So much sunburn.
So much ouch coming my way.
So much STUPID!!!
My upper back, shoulders, and chest are bright red. Like a lobster. I have been lobsterized.
Lobsterized. New word. Painful word.
P.S. oddly, my face didn't change colors. So now I have a pale white face and a dark red chest. Very funny looking indeed.
I went there because I wanted some quiet time. I wanted to read my book, go for a long walk, relax.
I did all of those things and it was lovely. I was even joined toward the end of my stay there by my dear friend Naseem and I have to say thank you to Naseem. She is the one who made me leave the beach that day to go grocery shopping. Something we both needed to do.
Here's why it was a good thing I left. Once I got home, had put all my groceries away, etc. I passed by a mirror...
SO much redness!
So much sunburn.
So much ouch coming my way.
So much STUPID!!!
My upper back, shoulders, and chest are bright red. Like a lobster. I have been lobsterized.
Lobsterized. New word. Painful word.
P.S. oddly, my face didn't change colors. So now I have a pale white face and a dark red chest. Very funny looking indeed.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
a traveler's observations
People wear funny shoes. I noticed this while I was at the Phoenix airport over the weekend on my way back from a conference in Chicago. Typically, when I have time to kill at an airport, I read or work. This time I just sat and decided to do some people watching.
Then I realized that watching people's shoes (instead of them) was actually REALLY entertaining. Here are some of my observations (and opinions since I apparently do not lack for those):
Men are by far the more sensible gender in footwear choices but they are still interesting. You can tell a lot about a man and his personality by his choice of footwear:
- old worn out cowboy boots... I look up and the man is indeed wearing a cowboy hat, has a weathered look about him. There's something genuine about him but he looks a little lost in the hustle and bustle of the big airport.
- sneakers with oddly pointy up-turned toes... I look up and the man is also oddly pointy
- loafers with no socks... I look up and, sure enough, he is wearing a polo shirt with the collar popped!
- another pair of cowboy boots, newer, shinier than the old cowboy from earlier and it turns out to be the pilot for my plane.
Now, women. As a woman with a bit of a "shoe problem" myself, I feel like I am fully qualified to make some observations and, yes, judgments on women's footwear choices. Women by far make the more ridiculous footwear choices: wearing high heels while traveling is generally silly (I suppose there are exceptions to this) but wearing shoes - heels - that make you look like you are in excruciating pain with every step you take, well, that's just plain dumb (The assumption here being that if you look like you are in pain then you most likely are, in fact, in pain).
Some rules/observations/judgments (purely my own personal opinions of course):
1. If you can't walk in heels in normal life, traveling in them is worse. You don't look cute. You look ridiculous.
2. Little girls wearing 2 inch wedge sandals that they can't really walk in is also kind of silly. I'm just saying.
3. Strappy 4-inch sandals while pulling a heavy suitcase: you look silly and by the way, you probably overpacked.
4. Fip flops that make your toes go whacky while you walk look funny. Have you ever watched someone walk in flip flops that are too big or too loose or too slippery? Their toes are working overtime! Those toes are grabbing onto whatever they can get ahold of with every step. This canNOT be comfortable!
5. Older women are much more sensible than 20- and 30-somethings in their footwear choices, although often much less fashionable.
6. Black sneakers with day-glo orange shoelaces may go very well with bright colored striped pants, a hot pink and orange checkered jacket and sunglasses inside but darlin', you may match but you're causing everyone else to have to put on their sunglasses. No wonder you're wearing yours inside!
7. 4-inch open-toed wedges - well, any open-toed shoes that are too short for your feet - are bad. Here's what's happening when you do more than just sit and look pretty: when you walk, which you inevitably must do in airports, by the way, your feet slide forward (it's called gravity) and your toes reach out over the front of the shoe, like spider monkey toes, and reach over the edge of your shoe to clasp it and hang on for dear life. NOT cute. I promise.
And then I got on the plane. Now I can't stop looking at people's feet.
Then I realized that watching people's shoes (instead of them) was actually REALLY entertaining. Here are some of my observations (and opinions since I apparently do not lack for those):
Men are by far the more sensible gender in footwear choices but they are still interesting. You can tell a lot about a man and his personality by his choice of footwear:
- old worn out cowboy boots... I look up and the man is indeed wearing a cowboy hat, has a weathered look about him. There's something genuine about him but he looks a little lost in the hustle and bustle of the big airport.
- sneakers with oddly pointy up-turned toes... I look up and the man is also oddly pointy
- loafers with no socks... I look up and, sure enough, he is wearing a polo shirt with the collar popped!
- another pair of cowboy boots, newer, shinier than the old cowboy from earlier and it turns out to be the pilot for my plane.
Now, women. As a woman with a bit of a "shoe problem" myself, I feel like I am fully qualified to make some observations and, yes, judgments on women's footwear choices. Women by far make the more ridiculous footwear choices: wearing high heels while traveling is generally silly (I suppose there are exceptions to this) but wearing shoes - heels - that make you look like you are in excruciating pain with every step you take, well, that's just plain dumb (The assumption here being that if you look like you are in pain then you most likely are, in fact, in pain).
Some rules/observations/judgments (purely my own personal opinions of course):
1. If you can't walk in heels in normal life, traveling in them is worse. You don't look cute. You look ridiculous.
2. Little girls wearing 2 inch wedge sandals that they can't really walk in is also kind of silly. I'm just saying.
3. Strappy 4-inch sandals while pulling a heavy suitcase: you look silly and by the way, you probably overpacked.
4. Fip flops that make your toes go whacky while you walk look funny. Have you ever watched someone walk in flip flops that are too big or too loose or too slippery? Their toes are working overtime! Those toes are grabbing onto whatever they can get ahold of with every step. This canNOT be comfortable!
5. Older women are much more sensible than 20- and 30-somethings in their footwear choices, although often much less fashionable.
6. Black sneakers with day-glo orange shoelaces may go very well with bright colored striped pants, a hot pink and orange checkered jacket and sunglasses inside but darlin', you may match but you're causing everyone else to have to put on their sunglasses. No wonder you're wearing yours inside!
7. 4-inch open-toed wedges - well, any open-toed shoes that are too short for your feet - are bad. Here's what's happening when you do more than just sit and look pretty: when you walk, which you inevitably must do in airports, by the way, your feet slide forward (it's called gravity) and your toes reach out over the front of the shoe, like spider monkey toes, and reach over the edge of your shoe to clasp it and hang on for dear life. NOT cute. I promise.
And then I got on the plane. Now I can't stop looking at people's feet.
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