As I embark on this journey of another new adventure, I'm learning a lot about myself. That's not new, really. I always learn about myself when I do something new but this one feels a little different from what I've done in the past.
To catch you up: I've just moved my life from California to Scotland for an opportunity to course-correct on an old life path that I somehow lost sight of over the last couple of decades, the details of which are unimportant for this particular brain dump of a blog post.
I've made big moves before. Several, actually. I moved from home in Germany to Boston to go to college, I moved from Boston to Columbus, Ohio for law school five years later, and then I moved from there to California for a job a decade after that. Each of those moves, although big and new, were not particularly scary. Each time I had a specific idea of where I would be and what I would be doing for the foreseeable future, i.e. several years. I always knew I was landing somewhere I could settle into for a significant amount of time. Plus, I was also pretty young. I mean, how much fear did I really have of new experiences when I was 19?
However, when you're 19, you have very different expectations than you do when you're 42. You also have different responsibilities. Well, I do anyway. All of my previous moves seemed fairly straightforward. Cut ties in the old place and build new ones in the new place. I'm not talking about human ties: I have managed to hang on to many of those connections over time and distance and I wouldn't change that for the world. I'm talking about financial and legal and business ties. When leaving a place in the past, I've been able to take my bank account with me or at least move from one bank to another once arriving, if necessary. In the past, I didn't own and run my own business either and that comes with certain responsibilities as well.
This time is different. First, I only know where I will be and what I will be doing for a very short 12 months. I have absolutely no idea what will happen after that or where I will go or what I will do. That is both terrifying and exhilarating. I'm a planner so not having a plan for what comes next is terrifying to me. Having a blank slate to create whatever future I want is quite exciting and I have very consciously given myself the liberty of not being tied to any one place or thing so that I can create my future without the impediments of attachment. Although I didn't get rid of all of my belongings, I did pack them into a portable/movable storage situation so they can be sent to me wherever I end up at the end of this year or three or five or whatever.
This time is also different because I continue to have financial responsibilities in the place I'm leaving. I have bank accounts and bills there and will continue to have those. I kind of have an address there but I don't. By that I mean, I have a "permanent address" for purposes of legally telling organizations, governments, visa offices, etc. where they can find me, even though I don't technically have an address there since I don't own property or anything else, really. Instead, I'm basically borrowing an address from friends who own their home so that I can have a place where official mail can reach me (like bank documents and for purposes of voter registration or my stateside driver's license).
This time is different because I'm a lot older than I was the last few times I made big moves. The other ones were at ages 19, 24, and 33, respectively. I'm now in my forties and it just feels different. One big difference this time is that I've just left a home I lived in for nearly a decade. It's the place I lived in for the longest time in my entire life. Before that, in my adult life at least, I always moved at least once every 2 years and never really felt fully settled into my various homes. That's not true of the most recent one: I found my place when I moved the last time and I stayed there, really making it my home. My own comfy nest-y bubble of a home. Now I am, by the very nature of this move, living in a temporary situation. So even though I'm trying to give it my personal touches here and there, I know that I will only be in this living situation for a year so I'm emotionally not really settling in completely.
So, I mentioned that I'm learning things about myself. I am. For instance, I am learning which creature comforts are important to me; what's worth it to me to splurge on even though I'm in a temporary situation. Proper wine glasses are one of those things. I like to drink red wine out of red wine glasses, white wine out of white wine glasses, champagne out of a proper champagne glass, you get the picture. Bubbly water without the volume of waste plastic bottles create. Good lighting. My favorite shoes, even though there are more of them than might be considered normal. Fresh flowers (side note here: the most amazing thing in the world of traveling to new places is arriving to a bouquet of your favorite flowers after a long journey to an uncertain future and I have the most thoughtful, lives in my heart pocket, friend who knows this. I adore you! Friends, go out and do this for your dear ones. It's so worth it!).
I'm learning that, although I am an introvert (albeit an extroverted one), I can push myself out of my shell with minimal effort when I'm comfortable in my own skin. I've learned that my instincts are typically right and I should always, always listen to my gut. I've also learned that I can do the scary new things and once I try them, they're less scary and no longer new. I've learned that, even though I'm pretty messy by nature, I like things neat and clean and everything in its assigned place. I've learned I'm a creature of habit and I tend to create habits pretty quickly but if I push myself to take an alternate route or order something different from the menu, I see and experience new and exciting things.
Yes, I'm older and more set in my ways but once I decide to do something, I tend to do it and I refuse to live a life of mediocrity so long as I have a choice in the matter. Also, I haven't yet and I hope I never do give up on my childhood dream of changing the world and I'll take the opportunity to do so if it comes my way every time. Including this time.
So here's to new adventures!
